Religious experiences...Beware!

During these holidays, people around the world get ready for a religious experience. Religion resolves our query about uncertainty (or not) and explains our place in the world, the meanings of existence, that is, it answers the ultra most important question of them all: Why me? Oh please, why me?

As a result, in December, Muslims prepare for Eid al-Adha, Jews for Hanukah, Christians and Catholics for Christmas, pagans for the Winter Solstice, Budhists for Rohatsu, Zoroastrians for Zarathustra´s death, etc.

Therefore, the prophets of the new millennium (aka the cult of the Scientists) studied the brains of the people during these religious experiences and found that… they stop working! That is correct, the epiphany is brought to you by a decrease of activity in the right parietal lobe (is the one that controls the senses and place in space). More information here and here.

So, if your brain is functioning perfectly and this causes that you are not truly experiencing the fulfilling illuminations and the perfect harmony begotten by these holidays, you can always do what Phineas Gage did (though, try to aim a little bit further back).

Happy New Year!

Happy End of December

It was until this year that I finally understood what that creepy song about the "White Christmas" talks about.
It is about snow!!! It falls freely from the sky.

Since I have been hearing corny dull repetitive carols I will join the hoardes and offer you my very favorite song of this season. I believe it is the one that best represents the joyous significance of this holiday, that of total binging and family fighting... sigh.

(that is why I will never understand a holiday like ThanksGiving... who has heard of a party without gifts? )

Save the Bipolar Bears

There are more than 2,240,000 internet pages that are dedicated to saving the Polar Bear.
But, what about the Bipolar Bears? They also need saving, little is known about their possible very near extinction (for more info about them, click here)
Common Name: Bipolar Bear, Ours Bipolaire (Fr); Oso Bipolar (Sp)
Scientific Name: Ursus maritimus dêmentis
Habitat: Arctic

Bipolar Bear, in one of her moods

There is still about 2,000-2,500 Bipolar Bears left in the wild, yet their future is unknown. Though in 1973, Canada, the United States, Denmark, Norway and the former U.S.S.R. signed the International Agreement on the Conservation of Polar Bears, this agreement is not enough to protect the wellbeing of this uncomprehended and unadapted predator.

The Bipolar Bear presents a behaviour which is defined by one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood referred to as mania, then they also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time. In its depression the Bipolar Bear will sit on the ice and refuse to eat, being sometimes object of sexual abuse by sadistic sea lions (basically, all the vicious otariinae family, and their pals).

Here you can witness a video of a Bipolar Bear during a cycle of a typical Britney-Spears-depression :

During the mania cycle, the bipolar bear can kill up to 200 leopard seals (Hydrurga leptonyx), eat the flippers, and colourfully decorate the nest .

These cycles are extremely rapid and their behaviour changes swiftly. These patterns are associated with anxiety and a high suicide risk, for, as it occurs with the lemmings, when observed, the Bipolar Bears have been driven to mass cliff jumping due to the excessive pressure put on them. This, in addition to the thousands of antidepressants left by tourists, and the stress imposed by the high incidence of camera flashes, the Bipolar Bear is rendered helpless in its natural habitat.

Here you can see a Bipolar Bear, Blinky, in an unnatural habitat. Blinky walks rapidly from one side to another unnable to focus and do the "sexy pose".


If you wish to join the campaign in favor of saving the Bipolar Bears, send your contibution to the edigator. Cash and goods accepted.

She will make sure the funds reach their proper destination.

Gato and Cheese

The edigator has a master (these is how divinity works).
Hir master plays with the edigator´s frail feelings by torturing hir with everlasting shrilling howls and inordinate demands.

In addition, Master has extremely sensitive taste buds which demand palatable morsels of pleasure such as... cheese. However, since the edigator is from a place were cows are thirsty and their tits shrivel and fall off, we came to Wisconsin (aka Gringolandia).

Just for the cheese.

To a place where cows prance happily, filled with mirth and milk.

So, finally, I bought master the much sought after cheese.

This was his outmost noble and sincere reaction to the much expected scrumptious delight:

Conclusion: Wisconsin cheese sucks!

teratomas

I do not know if you have heard about this... urm... marvels of science called teratomas.

They are these monstrous tumors from hell. They can be lodged in the ovaries, testes, neck, tounge, coccix, brain, they can be anywhere!

The thing that makes them extraordinary, is that these lovely tumors have hair, teeth, eyes, faces, and sometimes even hands. They move. If you try to extirpate them, they hide. If you burn them, they shrivel and tremble (osea... eek!)

The Catholic Church used to consider they should be baptized before being buried, after their removal.

These are some disturbing teratomas I found in the internet:

with teeth:

with hand:
with face:

Anyway, I was reminded of the famous case of this lady with the vagina dentata (or toothed vagina). After several medical studies it was concluded that what was ripping, biting and chewing penises was her teratoma.

el perreo

The hyper forbidden dance of the perreo, or as it is known in the US, the "booty dancing" was supposedly invented in Puerto Rico (they also wrongly believe that the chupacabras is from there). A brief explanation of this dance is the following: scantly clad girls thrust hips and buttocks as if trying to expel a tapeworm by the mere contraction of their intestines (for more information about the dance, click here).


Since most people need visual images, play at least 30 seconds of the following video:



But, did you know the real origin of this dance? The edigator, together with a team of highly specialized investigators, has found its most recent source 10 years ago in... Mexico.

Oh yes, the chuntaro style is the perreo´s father. Though instead of worms in their guts, they seem to carry a knife and a chain in each hand, do notice carefully the hip and butt movements between couples... it is just as the perreo.
Place special attention to the motions, the line traced from the mid area to the shoulders closely resembles...

El chavo del ocho. Kiko's interpretation is at least 30 years old. His discordant juts of extremities resemble the chuntaro style, take close note of the chest... its lineage is much more ancient ...

500 years ago the matachines were already jumping to the huateque. Follow the steps, the head movements, the peculiar feathers... we can find its beginning....


In the wild turkey's mating dance (Meleagris gallopavo) which is about 28 million years old! (give or take)



Therefore, our study has concluded that the perreo is actually a dance for the elderly whose origin can be traced to fornicating salvage birds, so the correct name should be the guajoloteo or (in English) gobble gobble dancing.

Omaigod

When the edigator turned 33, she had the realization that her divine character would start to emerge even more and that miracles would start popping like chapulines during the summer. However, under her magnificent critical eye and glorious scientific perspective these happenings were not perceived as such. You see, in this modern era we need irrefutable proof or repetition of the event in order to consider something as true. But, since godliness also brings wisdom (even more so, for her Splendidness), the edigator comprehended the nature of the miraculous.

A miracle is something that happens, but is not replicable. Something like the birth of two faced kitten or the existence of a shark with a virgin mother. The context is the main element in these incidents, that what is improbable is considered miraculous. So, if one knows less of what can be done, more occurrences are considered miracles. That is the reason why miracles can not be exported, since a phenomenon is always probable somewhere else. And also, that is why nowadays in cities we almost have no miracles (yet in little towns, at least two happen each year).
After such epiphany, the fabulous edigator confronted the world to show her followers her mission as an ultra divine being.

First, she walked on water.

Then she transformed bread...
...to fishes.



And lastly, she turned wine...


... into water, ( urm... 95% water).
Prayers to the Divine Edigator will be recieved from six to eight, since her celestial workload is high.

bidé

We have already had a nice short history lesson (click here)about a particular machine that dwells in european restrooms.

Though, a normal person may wrongly believe that a toilet, a shower and a sink are enough to perform the necessary corporal cleanliness, our first world compadres insist that we actually need a special contrivance just to irrigate... you know... there. Et voilá...The bidet!

In order to dispel doubts I have added a very simple diagram showing how this thing works:


According to the old world, the correct way to position the body over the device is usually the following:

However, if up to now, somehow you have managed to keep your special private area (you know... there) quite spotless, and you plan to invest some money in getting a bidet, think of all the ways you could take advantage of this gadget:


Scrubbing feet! (an ideal way to meet friends)



Actually completing cat washing (no more nasty scratching!)


Storing your beer (especially if you live in a rat hole, I mean, an Efficiency )

Washing your hair (and you don´t even get your clothes wet)


And finally... Bathing babies! (just think about it, if baby falls... no problem!)

Cats galore

There is basically two kinds of humans: those who love cats and those who have never had a cat.
On this topic, there is this wonderful short movie, -however it is possible that as soon as you press play PETA will knock down your door and spray you with red paint (or flour) or any non denomination Animal Rights Association will place a bomb in your living room.- Hope that does not happen to you, because...here it is!

It is based on a song composed in 1893. (info here)



But if you belong to the second kind of humans, do consider, querid@:

Colorful snow

See, the thing is that when snow is falling from the sky it floats gently, it is like tranquil rain, like a liquid sigh. It is beautiful and ephemeral. But then it lands on the ground and stays there.
For seven months.
I am delighted by snow in the air. But on the floor… The soil is blanketed with hard concrete that absorbs nothing. And people spit, vomit and pee on it. Then they walk their dogs who do the same. And let´s not forget about the squirrels, rabbits, other rodents and birds. Just in my bus stop there is a mound of crow excrement from two weeks ago. It was dropped, plop, and is still there.
Hence, the streets will be covered with snow and bodily (solid) fluids.

For seven months.

Yet everyone survives, they simply start putting up warnings for the children (and for the edigator):
Cover your ears or you might lose them.
Don´t lick lampposts.
Do NOT eat yellow snow.

A Night at the (not) Opera

Today they are showing Madama Butterfly in the theatre.
I see the posters, imagine buying a ticket... yet my background experience whispers in my ear: edigator, if you go to the opera you will encounter screaming fat banshees and an orchestra that will receive a standing ovation as soon as they finish tuning their instruments.
I try to explain this to the world, the opera is way too jazzy for me, it is like a bad andrew lloyd weber with worse wardrobe, it is like a pre-school spring festival...
edigator, do you like the opera?
edigator whines, winces a little, bites her lip, no no no.
Maybe this might enlighten you:

After the previous post, the piñatas called me and demanded me to tell their own version.

According to them, piñatas are exploited. As the layers of brightly colored papier machié are applied nobody indicates that they will be tortured, hung from a rope, surrounded and prodded with sticks. They say that as they overhang looking down they can see how the diminute humans greedily fight over their spilled entrails.

And I must admit the different perspective approach was not moving me to tell the tale, I mean, are we now going to start telling something in order to include all versions? according to the rope? to the stick? Osea, hellow, we have to draw the line somewhere, the edigator is not the UNESCO. But... I must concede that there was one particular piñata with this heart warming story, and then I just knew I had to tell it here.

Viewer discretion advised:

We could say that childhood is marked by those moments reminiscenced with a sigh, by those nostalgic flashbacks filled with enormous intake of breaths, that are ingrained in our minds so strongly that they have helped produce incredibly wealthy psychiatrists.

Basically, we can say that we spend most of our adult life trying to erase trauma.

In addition to your dead pet turtle, seeing mommy and daddy doing that, school taunting, etc., adult Mexicans have to also erase memories of piñatas.
And just a little know-how of the piñata situation for non-Mexicans:
1. The piñata is the spitting image of the uttermost admired superhero.
2. The piñata is literally torn apart in front of a terrified child who stands aghast.
3. There is always some little snot that steals your candy.
4. And without exception, someone unfailingly gets hurt.

Recent studies from the New Mexico University at Ruidoso in alliance with the Instituto Tecnológico y de Estudios Inferiores de Monterrey have announced the discovery that cell phones do not exist. Apparently they have been been nothing but a fictional creation. According to the studies, the effectiveness of the contraption is as real as Grandma´s chicken broth for curing a flu or that walking under a ladder causes a streak of bad luck. I do not mean that the actual physical being of the cell phone is imaginary, but that the belief that they work is wrong. What it is evident, however, is that the population has been under the impression that cell phones are not only effective but necessary.
The pragmatic justification lies in the form of following argument:
I open my cell phone. I call my brother. My brother answers. WE COMMUNICATE. I turn off my cell phone. Conversation ends.

So it is believed (innacurately) that the exchange was actually established through the cell phone. This is wrong.




Meanwhile, scientists have been busy trying to figure out how cell phones work and give not very helpful suggestions which compare them to a transmiting radio, or by explaining that sound is transported magically through invisible waves. In many documented cases, however, phones without a current phone line or battery power have been able to receive messages (or even send them), calls that were not made have been answered, information was exchanged, concrete data about deaths of relatives was known, etc. There are numerous unexplained stories related to personal cell phones (if you want more examples, clic here )

After extensive research, recent findings indicated that cell phones work by activating neurological centers in the brain through the emission of non-ionized magnetic fields and radiation (BTW, this causes cancer of the brain in most people).

The stimulated area is precisely the one that stores emotional knowledge whose link to extrasensory perception has been identified in several occasions.

(An unexpected, but very welcome finding in the research was detecting why a person using a cell phone may demostrate violent behaviour (shouting, being disrespectful, insulting people, etc.), the answer lies in the position of the cell phone. If it is turned to a 45 degree angle, the area which controls inhibitions in the brain is turned off, in other words... rudeness can be cured with a twist from the wrist!).

After all of these investigations, what has been found is that personal cell phones are not used for communication, they are merely activators of telepathic brain cells with ESP potentiality.
In other words, we use cell phones to turn on our telepathic brain.
In addition, suggestion and superstition have helped in waking this considerable percentage of the brain ensuing mind "communication" between individuals. There is faith in cell phones.
To put it in very simple terms, besides having a similar effect created by any blow to the head, open microwave oven or lighting falling on the person, a cell phone is nothing more than a fancy miniature photographic camera and alarm clock.