During these holidays, people around the world get ready for a religious experience. Religion resolves our query about uncertainty (or not) and explains our place in the world, the meanings of existence, that is, it answers the ultra most important question of them all: Why me? Oh please, why me?
As a result, in December, Muslims prepare for Eid al-Adha, Jews for Hanukah, Christians and Catholics for Christmas, pagans for the Winter Solstice, Budhists for Rohatsu, Zoroastrians for Zarathustra´s death, etc.
Therefore, the prophets of the new millennium (aka the cult of the Scientists) studied the brains of the people during these religious experiences and found that… they stop working! That is correct, the epiphany is brought to you by a decrease of activity in the right parietal lobe (is the one that controls the senses and place in space). More information here and here.
So, if your brain is functioning perfectly and this causes that you are not truly experiencing the fulfilling illuminations and the perfect harmony begotten by these holidays, you can always do what Phineas Gage did (though, try to aim a little bit further back).
It was until this year that I finally understood what that creepy song about the "White Christmas" talks about. It is about snow!!! It falls freely from the sky.
Since I have been hearing corny dull repetitive carols I will join the hoardes and offer you my very favorite song of this season. I believe it is the one that best represents the joyous significance of this holiday, that of total binging and family fighting... sigh.
(that is why I will never understand a holiday like ThanksGiving... who has heard of a party without gifts? )
There are more than 2,240,000 internet pages that are dedicated to saving the Polar Bear. But, what about the Bipolar Bears? They also need saving, little is known about their possible very near extinction (for more info about them, click here) Common Name: Bipolar Bear, Ours Bipolaire (Fr); Oso Bipolar (Sp) Scientific Name: Ursus maritimus dêmentis Habitat: Arctic
Bipolar Bear, in one of her moods
There is still about 2,000-2,500 Bipolar Bears left in the wild, yet their future is unknown. Though in 1973, Canada, the United States, Denmark, Norway and the former U.S.S.R. signed the International Agreement on the Conservation of Polar Bears, this agreement is not enough to protect the wellbeing of this uncomprehended and unadapted predator.
The Bipolar Bear presents a behaviour which is defined by one or more episodes of abnormally elevated mood referred to as mania, then they also commonly experience depressive episodes or symptoms, or mixed episodes in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time. In its depression the Bipolar Bear will sit on the ice and refuse to eat, being sometimes object of sexual abuse by sadistic sea lions (basically, all the vicious otariinae family, and their pals).
Here you can witness a video of a Bipolar Bear during a cycle of a typical Britney-Spears-depression :
During the mania cycle, the bipolar bear can kill up to 200 leopard seals (Hydrurga leptonyx), eat the flippers, and colourfully decorate the nest .
These cycles are extremely rapid and their behaviour changes swiftly. These patterns are associated with anxiety and a high suicide risk, for, as it occurs with the lemmings, when observed, the Bipolar Bears have been driven to mass cliff jumping due to the excessive pressure put on them. This, in addition to the thousands of antidepressants left by tourists, and the stress imposed by the high incidence of camera flashes, the Bipolar Bear is rendered helpless in its natural habitat.
Here you can see a Bipolar Bear, Blinky,in an unnatural habitat. Blinky walks rapidly from one side to another unnable to focus and do the "sexy pose".
If you wish to join the campaign in favor of saving the Bipolar Bears, send your contibution to the edigator. Cash and goods accepted.
She will make sure the funds reach their proper destination.
The edigator has a master (these is how divinity works). Hir master plays with the edigator´s frail feelings by torturing hir with everlasting shrilling howls and inordinate demands.
In addition, Master has extremely sensitive taste buds which demand palatable morsels of pleasure such as... cheese. However, since the edigator is from a place were cows are thirsty and their tits shrivel and fall off, we came to Wisconsin (aka Gringolandia).
Just for the cheese.
To a place where cows prance happily, filled with mirth and milk.
So, finally, I bought master the much sought after cheese.
This was his outmost noble and sincere reaction to the much expected scrumptious delight:
I do not know if you have heard about this... urm... marvels of science called teratomas.
They are these monstrous tumors from hell. They can be lodged in the ovaries, testes, neck, tounge, coccix, brain, they can be anywhere!
The thing that makes them extraordinary, is that these lovely tumors have hair, teeth, eyes, faces, and sometimes even hands. They move. If you try to extirpate them, they hide. If you burn them, they shrivel and tremble (osea... eek!)
The Catholic Church used to consider they should be baptized before being buried, after their removal.
These are some disturbing teratomas I found in the internet:
with teeth:
with hand: with face:
Anyway, I was reminded of the famous case of this lady with the vagina dentata(or toothed vagina). After several medical studies it was concluded that what was ripping, biting and chewing penises was her teratoma.
The hyper forbidden dance of the perreo, or as it is known in the US, the "booty dancing" was supposedly invented in Puerto Rico (they also wrongly believe that the chupacabras is from there). A brief explanation of this dance is the following: scantly clad girls thrust hips and buttocks as if trying to expel a tapeworm by the mere contraction of their intestines (for more information about the dance, click here).
Since most people need visual images, play at least 30 seconds of the following video:
But, did you know the real origin of this dance? The edigator, together with a team of highly specialized investigators, has found its most recent source 10 years ago in... Mexico.
Oh yes, the chuntaro style is the perreo´s father. Though instead of worms in their guts, they seem to carry a knife and a chain in each hand, do notice carefully the hip and butt movements between couples... it is just as the perreo. Place special attention to the motions, the line traced from the mid area to the shoulders closely resembles...
El chavo del ocho. Kiko's interpretation is at least 30 years old. His discordant juts of extremities resemble the chuntaro style, take close note of the chest... its lineage is much more ancient ...
500 years ago the matachines were already jumping to the huateque. Follow the steps, the head movements, the peculiar feathers... we can find its beginning....
In the wild turkey's mating dance (Meleagris gallopavo) which is about 28 million years old! (give or take)
Therefore, our study has concluded that the perreo is actually a dance for the elderly whose origin can be traced to fornicating salvage birds, so the correct name should be the guajoloteo or (in English) gobble gobble dancing.
When the edigator turned 33, she had the realization that her divine character would start to emerge even more and that miracles would start popping like chapulines during the summer. However, under her magnificent critical eye and glorious scientific perspective these happenings were not perceived as such. You see, in this modern era we need irrefutable proof or repetition of the event in order to consider something as true. But, since godliness also brings wisdom (even more so, for her Splendidness),the edigator comprehended the nature of the miraculous.
A miracle is something that happens, but is not replicable. Something like the birth of two faced kitten or the existence of a shark with a virgin mother. The context is the main element in these incidents, that what is improbable is considered miraculous. So, if one knows less of what can be done, more occurrences are considered miracles. That is the reason why miracles can not be exported, since a phenomenon is always probable somewhere else. And also, that is why nowadays in cities we almost have no miracles (yet in little towns, at least two happen each year). After such epiphany, the fabulous edigator confronted the world to show her followers her mission as an ultra divine being.
First, she walked on water. Then she transformed bread... ...to fishes.
And lastly, she turned wine...
... into water, (urm... 95% water). Prayers to the Divine Edigator will be recieved from six to eight, since her celestial workload is high.
We have already had a nice short history lesson (click here)about a particular machine that dwells in european restrooms.
Though, a normal person may wrongly believe that a toilet, a shower and a sink are enough to perform the necessary corporal cleanliness, our first world compadres insist that we actually need a special contrivance just to irrigate... you know... there. Et voilá...The bidet!
In order to dispel doubts I have added a very simple diagram showing how this thing works:
According to the old world, the correct way to position the body over the device is usually the following:
However, if up to now, somehow you have managed to keep your special private area (you know... there) quite spotless, and you plan to invest some money in getting a bidet, think of all the ways you could take advantage of this gadget:
Scrubbing feet! (an ideal way to meet friends)
Actually completing cat washing (no more nasty scratching!)
Storing your beer (especially if you live in a rat hole, I mean, an Efficiency ) Washing your hair (and you don´t even get your clothes wet)
And finally... Bathing babies! (just think about it, if baby falls... no problem!)
The edigator thought teaching Middle School was going to be more rewarding than working in Academia. It has a PhD from a Midwestern very White and Liberal-light institution. It emigrated from Mexico 9 years ago and due to luck and a gringo falling in love with its scalyness, it is also an American citizen.
Bipolar Bear, in one of her moods
with hand:
with face:
...to fishes.
