Snapshots of the first 2 weeks of class

First day of class
Edigator: Hellow, I'm Ms. Edigator.
Students: Fuck you, suck my balls!

Second day of class
Ms. Edigator, your 13 year old student who has a 20 year old boyfriend ran away from home. Contact the police if you see her.

Second week of class
"You are not allowed to change any texts without written authorization from central office. You will teach the extremely shitty short story from Goosebumps in Spanish, where all the characters are written directly by the ass of R.L. Stein and translated by Mr. Google-Translate's Mentally Handicapped Twin."

Second week of class
Teacher: You know, these kids don't know any better. All of their parents are illegals, so the children know nothing but crime.
Edigator: Urm, you mean refugees or undocumented people?
Teacher: Uh? No, illegals.

Second week of class
Edigator: Class, we are going to work on respecting one another.
Student: Yeah, you can all suck my dick!

Second week of class
Student hits another in the hallway
Edigator: Hey, we are not behaving like that, we are nice to each other.
Student: Fuck you, I don't speak Spanish.

Second week of class
Teacher: What was your name?
Edigator: Edigator.
Teacher: Yeah, I'll never be able to pronunce it. I'll just call you Ms. E.
Edigator: No, I don't think so.
Teacher: ...

The edigator thought teaching Middle School was going to be more rewarding than working in Academia. It has a PhD from a Midwestern very White and Liberal-light institution. It emigrated from Mexico 9 years ago and due to luck and a gringo falling in love with its scalyness, it is also an American citizen.

Omaigod! You are so totally Frida Kahlo!

I am going to start chronicling my experience as a Mexican teacher in a public school in the midwest, where most of the teachers are white beckies and most of the students (about 71%) are brown (mostly Mexicans or from Mexican parents) or black. There is another Mexican teacher, there are NO black teachers. Black staff are rule enforcers, they patrol the hallways with earpieces and catch the students being naughty. Naughty means breaking any rule.

There are so many rules in the school I can't keep up. Hats are banned, bra straps are banned, showing bellies is banned, saggy pants are banned, cell phones are banned, no running in the hallways, slamming lockers, dragging chairs, cursing, screaming, eating, having chromebooks without bags, leaving class, being alone, standing up in certain places, in others it's ok. Talking in certain places. Every room seems to have this particular set of rules, every different hallway, every different set of stairs. (In addition to this country's already long set of rules set to keep people in their places). In this one room, students must keep hands on their desks and both feet on the floor at ALL times. ALL times. I don't even know how that is possible. 

A little bit of context. This city has been ranked as #1 WORST city to be black. A couple of years ago a cop shot a kid to death who was jaywalking and then ran home, he burst into his house kicking the door and shot him about 6 times. It was decided it was in "self defense".

Unsupervised teenagers are not allowed in the malls, this is true for all colors of peoples but we all know who they are targeting. Also, hip hop music is banned from many establishments as well as people dressed with bandanas, saggy pants, white T-shirts, and anything that does not look like this:




My brown students are mostly under-performing. They don't want to read or write. The first week started out with them being very rude and insulting me. They stole my glasses and probably flushed them down the toilet. I have not been paid in about a year, so new glasses will have to wait. A becky teacher suggested to not worry about them, it's their culture. "Their parents don't care about them and that's the way they are treated at home, so it is what they know." Urm, no.

I have a couple of kids who are very very much at risk. Colleagues suggested to not waste any energy on them, "they are lost." To focus on the ones who will succeed. I guess I am new and will have to learn the hard way.

This third week, one of my Mexican students kicked a ball and hit a teacher during recess. This teacher told me the kid hit her twice and laughed about it. After investigating, the kids were playing soccer (which they do at every single minute of free time they have), if you are near them the ball might land next to you or on you. This is true for all nations. However, this teacher was giving her back to the game and another Mexican kid hit her the first time, then this other kid the second time. In neither of the two incidents it was a hard hit. The kids, however, made fun of the second kicker because he missed the pass, got the ball out of play, AND hit the teacher. The teacher thought they were laughing at her and she couldn't distinguish it had been two different kids.

Now, I do think the kids should be more aware of their surroundings and not hit teachers or other people, but I also think becky is showing her true colors. She is afraid of them, she thinks they are doing this intentionally, that they are meaner, eviler, and less kids than they are. She is very angry at them because she thinks they are targeting her. The kids were playing ball. She wants the kicker suspended.

Yesterday one teacher called me Frida because I was wearing a skirt and had my hair up. I guess all Mexican women look like Frida Kahlo? At least the stereotype wasn't Speedy Gonzales, so yay? Another one asked me if that was the way I really dress or... Yes, to all, this is how I dress. Yes, I wear braids, have black hair, use skirts, have hand embroidered blouses, have thick eyebrows, YES! YES! I AM MEXICAN! YES! We all look the same to you. I get it. Thank you for the reminder.



Two days ago some beckies invited me out for drinks. I am exhausted, beckies. I am at school for 11 hours dealing with your micro and macro aggressions, I do not want to have a beer with you.

This is week 3.

The edigator has a PhD from a Midwestern very White and Liberal-light institution. She emigrated from Mexico 9 years ago and due to luck and a gringo falling in love with her scalyness, she is also an American citizen.

Mexican in Wisconsin: level brat

Para español, goteé aquí

I don't really have to explain what a bratwurst is to people who speak English, but for those who might not know, it is a sausage and is very typical in USA's Midwest. 

Anywho, once you arrive to Wisconsin you start to learn that people will never ask  "Do you like brats?", but rather "HOW do you like your brats?"

This is they way I prepare them.

Step 1. Bacon 

yup, bacon

Step 2. Wrap it around the brat

See? They love each other

Step 3. Cook (either grill or stove-top, you can add a splash of beer)

Cook it good

Step 4. Grab a tortilla and heat it up

That is a comal, you can use a pan

Mexicans usually eat their tortillas hot, try it once.

Instructions for heating up tortilla: If the pan is already hot, you put them in the pan and then flip them, when they rise they are ready, about 30 seconds total.

Tortilla rising

Step 5. It puts the brat in the tortilla

I like it burnt

Step 6. Mustard it.

You add normal amount

Add the rest of your condiments. I did not have anything else, so I put salsa. I usually stick some sliced jalapeños there.

Careful, it is illegal to add ketchup to a brat, no laws about salsa, though

Step 7. Roll it up, eat.

And this is a brat taco!

Enjoy!

Safety for Mexico City

So, you are going to visit Mexico City... and that is wonderful. But it is a big city, a huge city, and tourists usually stick out. Either because they do not know how to wade around the city and expect another country and culture to tailor to their own very specific needs or because they look like this:

So, in order to make the most of your visit, I have made a list of Safety Tips to make your stay a pleasant one. I am sure most of you already know this (if you have been to any big city in the world), but here we have, the basics:

Movement

• Only get in taxi cabs called from a taxi station (called sitios, they phone a taxi for you), never stop a taxi in the street.
• Negotiate ahead of time the fare (unless it is fixed or with a taxímetro), ask “cuánto sale para X”.
• Don´t leave the window down. Lock the doors when you are in the car/cab.
• Do not pull out maps in the street (even in the car/cab).
• Don’t walk in the streets at night (except in Coyoacán, and only in lighted areas).
• Don´t walk and talk on the phone.
• Ask the hotel if there are any dangerous streets near the hotel, avoid them.
• Avoid catcalls, ignore them.

Money

• Always carry about 20-50 dollars, if you get mugged give them that immediately, do not look at them.
• Never use an ATM on the street, use the ones inside stores or malls.
• Do not go into an ATM alone, if someone is there, wait outside. Once inside, lock the door. If you see anyone hanging out outside, do not enter. Leave your companion outside to watch out for you.
• Distribute cash among your pockets, do not keep it all in one place (or get a money belt/pouch).
• Do not carry huge amounts of cash.
• Do not pay with debit card or credit card, it might get cloned. Use cash. (except maybe the hotel)
• Pay with pesos, dollars will be taken at the lowest they were that month according to the banks. They will usually never give change in dollars.
• Tipping is expected with almost everything, think on average 10 pesos, on food 15-20%.

Passport

• Do not carry your passport on you, use the safety deposit box in the hotel. Carry a photocopy.

Yourself

• Do not use gold or jewelry, nothing shiny. If you are wearing a stone ring, turn the stone inside.
• If you take your rings out when you wash your hands, if someone uses the next sink, move the rings.
• Do not wear flashy clothes.
• Do not leave purse or backpack out of your sight (do not hang your purse/backpack on the seat, put it in the table).
• If you need help, do not ask a policeman, go to the nearest store and ask for help from the people working there.
• If a policeman says you did something and is going to fine you, ask for his/her badge and write it down. Then say you are calling the American Embassy, if they continue, call the embassy. Never go with him/her anywhere (s/he might not be a police officer).

Druglords

• Do not speak in public or in taxis positively or negatively about the insecurity, violence, criminal activity, etc. Someone might not agree.

TLDR: Don't flash your money around, don't act stupid, do not expect the police to help you. Enjoy yourself!

Madison Fountain

Madison Fountain

Myths of the Mayan Calendar

If you are here it is probably because you are using non-Mayan iconography to talk about the Mayas and some of your very concerned friends (who certainly love you and don’t want to continue seeing you making an idiot of yourself) sent you here.

There are three important aspects of the Mayan Culture that you should know.

1. The Mayas are a culture in Latin America (south of Mexico, north of Guatemala and Belice, El Salvador and Honduras) which started in the year 500 b.C.  and continues up to now. And yes, the Mayas are still very much around today. Though because of the conquest (which happened around 1500) they  abandoned the great cities and lost most of the traditional scientific research. They did this because the Spaniards were keen on torturing, maiming, raping, enslaving people, pillaging cities and burning books.

A Maya City would have looked like this about 600 years ago

It would be the equivalent of some aliens coming and starting to probing and dismember the members of sororities and frat houses while burning all the libraries and replacing internet with 24 hours of infomercials. The culture in the USA might still survive after this, but the knowledge probably might be dispersed.

Mmm... Rat burgers

2. The Mayas were great astronomers and mathematicians, their calculations about orbits, meteor showers, Sun, Moon and Venus eclipses, and other cosmological phenomena are still more exact than the calendar we use in Western Civilization. And it so happens that the Mayas  “predicted” and end of a period to happen in the Winter Solstice 2012, and they talk about it here, in the Stelae 6:

Some interpretations here

3. This, however, is the Sun Stone, from the Aztec civilization. 

It was probably used as a table by an Aztec priest

It is not a calendar, though it does contains elements of the Aztec calendar, mythology, and cardinal points.

The Aztecs believed that if you stopped feeding human hearts to the gods, the Sun would stay underground during the night and never come out again.

So if you talk about the Mayan calendar like so:

It would be the same as googling Eiffel Tower and getting this:

Doctors and doctors

Para español, diagnostique aquí.

Inspired by Gary Larson.
Dedicated to Dr. Lucha.

Birth of (a) Sport

After hours of viewing the Winter Olympics I couldn´t help but wonder about the origins of certain practiced sports. By watching displays of strength, dexterity and movements, one in particular caught my attention because it definitely reminded me of something:

Mujeres aladas (o mujeres saladas)

Yeah, right!!!

Ya parece que voy a poner mi cuento favorito
en la red para dominio público.
Lo siento, esto no es wikipedia.
Y por eso, la gente seguirá usando libros con hojas.








.

Traducción de los albures

Jaime Costecho: Mecos es una palabra utilizada en México para designar al semen. Techo, al verbalizarlo suena a "Te echo". La idea de "Semen te echo" o "te echo semen" tiene un sentido que se refiere a un acto sexual donde el activo ejerce la penetración sobre el pasivo.

Todo el juego del albur mexicano consiste en una competencia verbal sobre el rol en una relación sexual. Siempre uno debe ejercer el rol "activo", el de la penetración.
Por lo tanto, todos los elementos falicos (pene, palo, largo, verga, escoba, chile, plátano, camote, carne, trozo, salchicha, tronco) deben insertarse (darse, meterse, ponerse, encajarse, embarrar).
Durante el producto de la inserción pueden suceder dos cosas, si insertados en el ano el pene puede humedecerse (empapar, mojar) y se sacan (retiran, jalan) elementos parecidos al excremento (chocolate, lodo, frijoles, barro); si insertados en la vagina puede ocurrir un embarazo (engordar, con producto, con relleno). La alusión a la ingestión del semen (mecos, leche, blanco) o de colocar semen en alguien, también es parte de las prestezas del activo.
Cualquier alusión a la pasividad del encuentro sexual debe evitarse. El ofrecer el ano es el tabú mayor, por lo tanto cualquier cosa que aluda al ano (el pedorro, el hoyo, el orificio, el ojo, anillo, nalgas, pompas, culo, ...) debe evitarse. Asímismo se evita también cualquier actividad que exponga el ano (sentarse, ponerse, ofrecer, dar).
Por último, otros tipos de actividad sexual, como el sexo oral, funcionan bajo la misma premisa. Elementos relacionados con la boca (chupar, mascar, morder, succionar, lamer, salivar, mamar) deben de estar alejados de metáforas del pene. Porque implican el elemento de pasividad.

Entonces, el primer punto es el siguiente: se permite el juego sexual siempre y cuando la penetración sea ejercida y no recibida.


El segundo punto es que: no se puede aludir directamente al juego. Todo debe ser velado y parecer parte de una conversación normal. Por lo tanto se usan metáforas, comparaciones y palabras que suenan similares ("pollo" por "hoyo", por ejemplo)

El tercer punto es que: quien no puede responder, pierde.

Así que...
recomienda para una buena cena una carne alzada a la barbilla (osea, carne/pene colocado a la altura de la boca) o los frijoles de api-zaco (sacar excremento, ver arriba). Recuerden, los tacos saben mejor con chile hecho (echar chile/pene) en México. Ahora, préstenme (prestar, alude a entregar el ano) atención con sus consejos; dice que los Chiles en Vinagre se conservan bien en barro (chile/pene embarro) , al igual que los plátanos en cajones (plátano encajar, pene entrar). En cambio el lomo se descompone (poner el lomo) cuando está lloviendo (cuando estallo, o cuando tengo un orgasmo) .

Etcétera.
Espero que les haya sido de provecho.

Plagio Plagio Plagio

Efficiency

The man ponders about the size of the one that got away.

We all want to be victims

This human inability to register that other people can suffer has driven us to define “justice” as the perfect excuse to extinguish the person that looks-at-me-the-wrong-way. From the first baby utterances of the “he did it!” to the “but I was only following orders”, humans have found ways to justify their horrors, massacres and genocides. All under the egotistical vision of “but my intentions were good…” or even worse, “but I am the good guy! I was only defending myself”

The worst part is that people are not essentially evil, it is just that they have their heads so high up in their own asses that they are unable to realize that their stupid good intentions has turned them into ghastly monsters.

Here is a nice historical collection of self proclaimed victims:

Cats on walls

Everyone knows that cats control human thought.

This is the obvious reason for human activities toward cats: building fine sand boxes which are meticulously cleaned of dung and pee; brushing elusive fine hairs which will be lodged in human nostrils; buying expensive cat toys that will be discarded after 120 seconds; tending on to every possible cat need without any contemplation of own´s safety (have you ever brushed a cat´s teeth?).

There is absolutely no retribution: neither economic, nor emotional (cats do not even recognize their humans), nor physical. In other words, a cat is like an everlasting teenager.

And when this dominance is mixed with creative activity, the product is a cat. This was proven after viewing some graffiti in Bogotá.

meow!

Bad tits

Sevilla. By trying to escape the sexual advances from a donkey owned by the local government, a cow fell to her death in San Roque. The cow´s owner insisted that the donkey was pursuing the cow with malicious carnal intent and this was the reason the cow plunged to her non-existance.
However, the response from the goverment was that the cow seduced the donkey, who is a healthy strong male, by displaying in an immoral manner her nakedness and her bra-less, jiggly, bare tits.
This could only happen in Spain.

Of the pages fastened along one side and encased between protective covers

I can understand that not everybody enjoys reading. I appreciate it rationally, I can comprehend that as the same way I can grasp that some individuals like peas, others BBQ sauce, and some just plainly detest texts. Sitting down with a book, opening it, going through the pages, I can see why it would be old fashioned and dreary. Nowadays books have some writing on the back part which summarizes what is inside, that is because most people are not even aware that one must open it for it to function.

I could get the frustration of these people when confronted with a house filled with books: books on the bed, books on the floor, books in the bathroom, books by the door. I can understand one possible option is to throw the books away, since if they are correctly disposed of, they can easily be rescued by people that consider that private property on the floor is public property… that is what my old university did with antique books and that is how I got a 1830 Divine Comedy. On the other extreme we stumble on book burning, and that is quite exaggerated and produces global warming, it also tends to monogram the soul in such way that upon death one is taken directly to hell.

But please, do tell me if it is not justified to cut your partner´s balls off if after arriving home from work, tired, stressed, hungry, and you are met upon the door with a smiling, radiant, joyous significant other that shows you this:

source

Cyborg Generation

stupid zombies

Zombies are reanimated corpses. A corpse is a dead human being, if it comes back to life, it is a zombie. Quite simple. Of course, what makes it exciting is that zombies have a terrible desire to eat living human beings, specially brains. The possible interpretation is that of want, they want what they lack, since they are dead living corpses, their brains aren’t working and they want some. However, it might simply be a craving for life and live flesh is what gives them their reanimation.

You see, if they wanted brains because of the lack, then we would not have stupid zombies. And we do have them.

For example, about 2,000 years ago this dim-witted jewish zombie got it wrong. Though he went around scaring people (you know, by doing the zombie stuff: displaying his open wounds, moving with a sluggish, blundering pace, etc.) instead of doing the proper munching up of the populace, he asked for the opposite and started telling everyone to eat him!

It was so scary people are still talking about it.
For more info about this, click here.