stupid zombies

Zombies are reanimated corpses. A corpse is a dead human being, if it comes back to life, it is a zombie. Quite simple. Of course, what makes it exciting is that zombies have a terrible desire to eat living human beings, specially brains. The possible interpretation is that of want, they want what they lack, since they are dead living corpses, their brains aren’t working and they want some. However, it might simply be a craving for life and live flesh is what gives them their reanimation.

You see, if they wanted brains because of the lack, then we would not have stupid zombies. And we do have them.

For example, about 2,000 years ago this dim-witted jewish zombie got it wrong. Though he went around scaring people (you know, by doing the zombie stuff: displaying his open wounds, moving with a sluggish, blundering pace, etc.) instead of doing the proper munching up of the populace, he asked for the opposite and started telling everyone to eat him!

It was so scary people are still talking about it.
For more info about this, click here.

Jesus in marmalade

Jesus has appeared to the humans many times. These images fill the expecting flock with faith and feelings of divine miracles, which are plentiful of mirth, and hope, and (insert favorite emotion here).

However, the interesting thing here is that according to forensic and anthropological studies, the christ´s face would have pretty much looked like this:

But the one showing up looks like this:

It is logical to think that by the time, a face like such would have issued responses such as "here comes the monster", "don´t be afraid of him, he is horrible but sweet" and "the lepers love him, because he is as ugly as them". Therefore, the christ looked like a regular person, since only differences are noted.

(That is why it is impossible that the 9-11 terrorists had been arabs. I know that the most trusted and honest Bush and the totally reliable Al-Qaeda said so. But there is no phone conversation from the victims in the plane hijackings that said "we are being hijacked by some fucking shit arab guy". All say "hijackers", "with red bandanas", "with a knife", etc... in other words, the hijackers looked like them: white and American)

But back to the christ. From the sightings several things are noted:

- The apparitions do not correspond to the original Christ, but to images that people want to be the Christ.
-The image is not really important, it is more so the desire for it to be true.
-The one appearing is not the Christ but some white, european, blue-eyed, bearded dude.
-The bearded dude is possibly a guy who in life kicked puppies and spat at old ladies...

Let´s pray.

Relics, saints and chapels

It is well documented that christ´s circumcision was performed on the eighth day he was born by a priestess friend of Mary. His Holy Prepuce was stored in nard oil and some of the so called “unauthentic” gospels state that precisely this was the oil used by Mary Magdalene when she anointed him.

Other sources situate the Holy Prepuce in a small chapel in Colombia. Apparently during the failed expedition by Diego de Nicuesa, there was a sailor named Diego de Vergara who was supposed to be the great great great etc great grandson of this rabbi, and who had always kept the Holy Prepuce as a heirloom. There is little known about this expedition and even less about the relic´s authenticity, so this proposal is even more dubious than the first one.

However, they might even seem excesive when compared to what is known about Jesus´s holy diapers and his holy shit. The only reference found is in an arab gospel, which was probably written around the 6th Century, and in it is stated that the son of God´s first diaper was given as a gift to the three wise men. Who in turn tried to burn it, since it stench was driving the camel, the horse and the elephant into a paranoid sexual psychosis that appeared to be harmful to them. However, after the fire burned out the diaper remained intact. After this proof, the wise men had to recognize the child´s divinity, for anything that the baby´s bodily fluids touched turned to immaculate perfection (Actually, there are records that His bath water was greedily sought by the lepers of the sorrounding area).

This aforementioned superpowerful diaper was sent to a small arab town (whose name has been lost to the historical records) to a family that had three extremely beautiful sons whose eyes shone as the moon and two exquisitely superb daughters, and it was said that whomever saw the whole family together could not stand the magnificence and would immediately start bawling. Therefore, close to the family´s dwelling there were green grasses irrigated by the profusely watered fountains created by the tears of the people in the village. So this made the town unbelievably fertile and the family immensely rich. However, during the first crusade this town was in the middle of the way of the recovery of the holy relics and was burnt to the ground and the soil salted.

It is interesting how it finally played out, since the crusaders obtained a diaper which (according to the obscure records of the time) smelt like roses, which in turn made it enough proof for them for the holyness of the shit. But truly, this diaper which is up to this day stored in a small vault in the Vatican, is nothing more than the diaper of one of the youngest daughters of the family.

A Jesuit friend of mine could procure a picture after bribing a guard with a 5 euro note and a small bottle of tequila:

It is well known that the christ´s shit stank like no man´s shit has stunk before, since he was the Son of Man. It is so obvious that even in the aforementioned gospels there are at least 4 cases of demonic possessions whose victims, after putting the diaper close to their nose, would writhe and squirm in anguish while the demons fled their carnal bodies.

There is also a small chapel, remodeled by the cathars during the 11th Century, that claims to be the holy sanctuary of the holy shit of Christ. Apparently the place where Jesus would defecate during his childhood in Judea was found. However, the veracity of the relic has never been proven, though pilgrims from all over the world flock the chapel twice a year (in Good Friday and Christmas) because the relic regains roundness and humidity and stinks. It is said that after one visit during these days, the holy stench will remain in the clothes eternally, forever blessing the wearer with the miracle.

What has indeed been proven that this region is the epicenter for the coined phrase “Holy shit!"