The meaning of life, Part II

I work in order that my things have a good and decent life.

source

Eight hours a day for the car´s good maintenance, so I can change the spark plugs and rotate the tires and verify the belts are ok every 25,000 miles and check the oil level, and change it, and using only higher octane fuel because is good for the engine, and also wax it, polish it, and cover it at night with a tent.

From 9 to 5, so I can get a vacuum cleaner for the carpet and that machine that also washes them with ultra super water pressure power and this gizmo thingy that absorbs bad smells from the fridge and energy conserving lightbulbs and a special cleaner for the wood furniture and another for the glass windows and another for the toilet and another for the sink and another for the plates and another for the cups and another for the floor, but not the carpet, because I only use water for the special carpet cleaner machine.

So I use my hours, instead of writing or reading, or painting, or eating, or going out for a walk in the park, or hanging out with friends or with my wonderful kitty, so my clothes can be washed with the special laundry detergent that is biofriendly organic biodegradable biologically bioethics not tested on animals plants or anything that has ever been alive or ever will be. On that and on a fabric softener that leaves the clothes smelling just like Spring with the essence of clouds. So I can iron it and put it in a box, in a drawer, in a closet, inside the room.

So I got some coat hangers for my pants, so I will not get creases, and some for my skirts so they hang loose and do not loose their fluff, and some for my sleeveless shirts so they don’t stretch and some for my coat, that goes easy on the shoulders, and a dehumidifier for the shoes. I also wanted some wine, a good wine, maybe this Spanish wine I have been thinking about a San Román 2002, but it was a little bit expensive and the beer was on sale, and it is just wine, really, so I got some of that.

Election time!

It is election time again, where we have the opportunity to submit our vote in Exchange for our obedience. Democracy. The wonderful system where a despotic majority decides over such issues like turning stinky jews into soaps, ban marriage, sterilize the uncouth Indians, allow the hunting down of humans who happen to not be born in the same hospital as them… so many things that are deemed morally acceptable, even good.

Unless of course, the aforementioned majority becomes the stinky minority and then you hear complains about planes dropped on them or druglords gunning them down in their favorite vacation spots. But I do wonder why? If it was all a result of a democratic choice.

It is obvious that in the precise moment that you submit your ballot, you are submitting your will.

In the moment that you choose the lesser of two evils (or three evils, or four...), you are implicitly accepting whatever happens. As the vote is casted all of the personal responsibility that deals with any of the next four to six years is also included. Whatever the majority rules will be the best choice. So this is worse than a tyranny, because in a dictatorship there is at least a mean evil oppressor, but here, in this fake democracies, the silence is autoregulated.

So some believe the best choice is just to annul the vote (as if there would be any difference between winning by two votes or by 40,000). It is just a small band aid used to cover the big gash of the lesser than two evils. Civic duty would be to run for office, or at least create a deadly flu virus that will exterminate all of the swine politicians… oh well…

What I am doing is that I´m just going to vote for Cepillín. At least he admits he is a clown.

Jesus in marmalade

Jesus has appeared to the humans many times. These images fill the expecting flock with faith and feelings of divine miracles, which are plentiful of mirth, and hope, and (insert favorite emotion here).

However, the interesting thing here is that according to forensic and anthropological studies, the christ´s face would have pretty much looked like this:

But the one showing up looks like this:

It is logical to think that by the time, a face like such would have issued responses such as "here comes the monster", "don´t be afraid of him, he is horrible but sweet" and "the lepers love him, because he is as ugly as them". Therefore, the christ looked like a regular person, since only differences are noted.

(That is why it is impossible that the 9-11 terrorists had been arabs. I know that the most trusted and honest Bush and the totally reliable Al-Qaeda said so. But there is no phone conversation from the victims in the plane hijackings that said "we are being hijacked by some fucking shit arab guy". All say "hijackers", "with red bandanas", "with a knife", etc... in other words, the hijackers looked like them: white and American)

But back to the christ. From the sightings several things are noted:

- The apparitions do not correspond to the original Christ, but to images that people want to be the Christ.
-The image is not really important, it is more so the desire for it to be true.
-The one appearing is not the Christ but some white, european, blue-eyed, bearded dude.
-The bearded dude is possibly a guy who in life kicked puppies and spat at old ladies...

Let´s pray.

Relics, saints and chapels

It is well documented that christ´s circumcision was performed on the eighth day he was born by a priestess friend of Mary. His Holy Prepuce was stored in nard oil and some of the so called “unauthentic” gospels state that precisely this was the oil used by Mary Magdalene when she anointed him.

Other sources situate the Holy Prepuce in a small chapel in Colombia. Apparently during the failed expedition by Diego de Nicuesa, there was a sailor named Diego de Vergara who was supposed to be the great great great etc great grandson of this rabbi, and who had always kept the Holy Prepuce as a heirloom. There is little known about this expedition and even less about the relic´s authenticity, so this proposal is even more dubious than the first one.

However, they might even seem excesive when compared to what is known about Jesus´s holy diapers and his holy shit. The only reference found is in an arab gospel, which was probably written around the 6th Century, and in it is stated that the son of God´s first diaper was given as a gift to the three wise men. Who in turn tried to burn it, since it stench was driving the camel, the horse and the elephant into a paranoid sexual psychosis that appeared to be harmful to them. However, after the fire burned out the diaper remained intact. After this proof, the wise men had to recognize the child´s divinity, for anything that the baby´s bodily fluids touched turned to immaculate perfection (Actually, there are records that His bath water was greedily sought by the lepers of the sorrounding area).

This aforementioned superpowerful diaper was sent to a small arab town (whose name has been lost to the historical records) to a family that had three extremely beautiful sons whose eyes shone as the moon and two exquisitely superb daughters, and it was said that whomever saw the whole family together could not stand the magnificence and would immediately start bawling. Therefore, close to the family´s dwelling there were green grasses irrigated by the profusely watered fountains created by the tears of the people in the village. So this made the town unbelievably fertile and the family immensely rich. However, during the first crusade this town was in the middle of the way of the recovery of the holy relics and was burnt to the ground and the soil salted.

It is interesting how it finally played out, since the crusaders obtained a diaper which (according to the obscure records of the time) smelt like roses, which in turn made it enough proof for them for the holyness of the shit. But truly, this diaper which is up to this day stored in a small vault in the Vatican, is nothing more than the diaper of one of the youngest daughters of the family.

A Jesuit friend of mine could procure a picture after bribing a guard with a 5 euro note and a small bottle of tequila:

It is well known that the christ´s shit stank like no man´s shit has stunk before, since he was the Son of Man. It is so obvious that even in the aforementioned gospels there are at least 4 cases of demonic possessions whose victims, after putting the diaper close to their nose, would writhe and squirm in anguish while the demons fled their carnal bodies.

There is also a small chapel, remodeled by the cathars during the 11th Century, that claims to be the holy sanctuary of the holy shit of Christ. Apparently the place where Jesus would defecate during his childhood in Judea was found. However, the veracity of the relic has never been proven, though pilgrims from all over the world flock the chapel twice a year (in Good Friday and Christmas) because the relic regains roundness and humidity and stinks. It is said that after one visit during these days, the holy stench will remain in the clothes eternally, forever blessing the wearer with the miracle.

What has indeed been proven that this region is the epicenter for the coined phrase “Holy shit!"