Mating Rituals

A friend of mine states that human mating behaviour is absurd and should be abolished. Instead of ridiculous courtships one should plainly state "hey, I like you" and the other should simply reply, "you know, I like you too", and then go out to leave a full and satisfactory life as if they were bonobos.

But this utopic idea is impossible to accomplish in this life, that is why we have fiction such as films and books. However, I would like to clarify that human rituals are no less strange than some of our fellow earth creatures.

The cichlid fish, for example, is an interesting critter. The female lays the unfecundated eggs and lovingly picks them up with her mouth. The male, on the other hand, has colorful dots near his special private area. When the female swims by, she (with her fishy tiny brain) sees the dots, believes that she has lost some eggs and proceeds to suck them. The male, then, splashes her in the face, bukkake style, and swims off in the midst of raucous laughter.

In the video you can see how the fishes repeat several times the scene, since they are professional porn actors and the take is not coming out well. It is well known (by wiki) that in order to have a successful heterosexual pornographic film, there must be one at least of these events (96% of them confirm it).

For the flatworms, the ritual is a bit more complex.

They find each other, they like each other, they approach each other, bat their eyelashes and then... since flatworms are hermaphrodites, the next step is to decide who will be the male and who will be the female. Since females must lose their sensual flat figure and remain with the flatworm kids until they are off to college, both want to avoid it. So the decision is made by penis fencing!

They literally pull out their dicks and proceed to clash and clang them until penetration is accomplished by one of them. The winner runs and tells his buddies and the penetrated starts knitting.

For a video of the penis fencing, click here.

And lastly, one of those cases that make you feel good to be human, even if that implies blind dates, having to buy the red expensive convertible or getting a boob job... the porcupine!

The male must be completely sure that the female wants to do the nasty or he will end up with numerous and painful piercings in his wee wee. So he approaches, smells around, rubs himself erotically against rough surfaces (probably trying to get used to the sensation) and then he stands on hind legs and does the macarena.

If the female has not run away by that moment, he will proceed to shower her from head to toe with a long, warm, foamy stream of stinky urine ! If the female does not immediately stab him, then he will continue his approach and let her use him as her prickly sex toy. He will never touch her. When she is done, they smoke a cigarette.

In the following video you can perceive how a redneck couple wrongly mistake a porcupine sex dance performed for their 5-year old daughter for something cute and funny... just seconds before being covered in a golden shower.





So, we can safely agree that our mating rituals, in comparison, are not all that sucky.